Look, I know it’s gameday, and this is ridiculous, and maybe I’m even late on it… but I just watched Tropic Thunder (highly underrated) last night and couldn’t get over the FACT that Patrick Patterson looks dead up like Robert Downey Jr.’s character in the movie. He even walked a little bit like Pat. Or maybe I’m just dillusional. I don’t know, judge for yourself:

My cockiness knows no bounds. Hooray for puns!

There’s no need to wax philosophical about a total system failure like the one on Wednesday. My overall stance about the state of the program remains the same. Coach Gillispie is underachieving with this year’s squad, which was flawed to begin with. He deserves at least one year of coaching Dominique Ferguson because he’s gooing to be the first consensus superstar prospect at Kentucky since Keith Bogans. Honestly, I’m only upset at the inability of this staff and this team to get motivated enough to keep from having a 40-minute abortion in a big game. They passed the test against Tennessee and Florida, but Wednesday was an epic fail.

In case you need a visual, there it is.

I can’t fault Billy Gillispie for bad personnel moves because I think he tried more combinations of guys that night than he did the entire month of January. On this roster, it’s impossible to take five guys against this particular SC team and go, “Okay, guys. Don’t turn it over and contain Devan Downey by any means necessary.” Much like this Kentucky team was built to beat Tennessee, it was also built to lose to South Carolina. Just like in 1997, I don’t think they could beat SC if they played 100 times.

And I’m sure Zone Guy is upset because a zone is the solution to all problems and could probably fix the economy. Don’t go there with me, Zone Guy. Don’t you go there, sister. Did SC get a lot of points off of penetration? Of course they did. Did Kentucky adjust? You might not think so, but they did. Did you see them try to sag off of the guys on the perimeter to deny the penetration? Every time that was attempted, they pulled the trigger, shot over the defense and hit, just like LSU did against Florida’s zone. South Carolina has guys at the 1-4 positions who can all knock down the three, especially once Baniulis comes in off the bench. They would get on their hands and knees and beg for a zone defense. Plain and simple, nothing worked.

That’s why you move on. This is Kentucky basketball, not the Chicago Cubs. We have Murphy’s Law games. The Cubs have Murphy’s Law seasons. Move on. LSU is going to win the SEC outright this year for a reason. They’re very good. They’re huge. But the matchup against those guys isn’t as brutal as the last game. Alabama beat them, which means they’re beatable. If the guys go back to making shots and quit being mommy parts under the basket, they’ll win.

Finally, I just wanted to put Wednesday in perspective. If you watched, you were mad. You cursed, threw stuff, slammed doors, whatever it is you do when you get mad. Kevin Galloway didn’t make the trip because his grandfather passed away in California. In the long run, sports are what they’ve always been: a break from the real world and an outlet for people to relieve stress and live out fantasies. I refer to Kentucky in the third person. I call the team “us” and “we.” I can’t play basketball. I have a rooting interest in sports teams because I like feeling like I won something when the team wins a game. In the grand scheme, any fan will feel for Kevin Galloway over their team losing. Fans have a tendency to turn emo after losses, and I’m as guilty of it as anybody. It isn’t life or death. I’m fortunate enough to have the same number of grandparents today as I did the day I was born. I can’t fathom losing one of them. My grandparents are the reason why I’m doing this. They started taping basketball games in 1992 and I watched them every time I visited. Galloway is going to have a harder time moving on from Wednesday than any of us. In the end, some things are more important than basketball.

So move on. And call your grandparents. They’ll appreciate it.

Thanks for reading.

This is the biggest game of the year. It’s actually the fourth or fifth “biggest game of the year” we’ve seen this season, but unlike the rest of those, I actually think this is the one.

On paper, I don’t think there’s a worse matchup for UK in the conference than SC. They put intense pressure on the ball. Devan Downey is the fastest player on the planet. Their lineup always includes guys at four positions who hit threes at an alarming clip. It’s a terrible matchup. However, it’s also a terrible matchup for South Carolina as well. Their inside game is lacking to say the least. Even though he was wearing a splint on his injured finger, Patrick Patterson still had one of his best games of the season against SC. If his shooting in the Tennessee game is any indication of the status of his finger, I think you could say that pre-finger injury Patterson is back, which is good news for all.

South Carolina has an easier home stretch of games than any of the SEC East contenders, but the law of averages suggests that they’re about to run out of luck. Consider the following:

*Buzzer beater against then-ranked Baylor

*Improbable finish vs. Florida

*Last second shot vs. Kentucky

*Blown goaltending call vs. Alabama

*Overtime win vs. Arkansas that featured an incredible choke job by John Pelphrey

That’s five wins total and half of their conference wins up to this point. Even Michael Jordan missed more game winning shots than he hit. SC is flawless up to this point in those situations.

I take comfort in the way the road team has played in this series the last four years.

2006 at UK: Rajon Rondo has to make miracle shot, Cats win by 2.

2006 at SC: Patrick Sparks goes off from three, Cats win by 12.

2007 at UK: Cats withstand late rally and win by 6.

2007 at SC: Cats dominate from start to finish and win by 38.

2008 at UK: Cats pull away from the FT line and win by 8.

2008 at SC: Without Patterson, Joe Crawford keeps the lead comfortable, Cats by 8 again.

And then there was this year’s game. The stats back me up on this. SC shooting guard Zam Fredrick averages close to 20 points a game on the road and only 12 at home. He had a career day in Rupp. Jodie Meeks has a tendency to go off on the road.

I think the winner of this game will have enough breathing room to go ahead and win the division. Florida pretty much eliminated themselves last night by beating LSU because they CANNOT beat Tennessee, and after that they have Mississippi State on the road (a terrible matchup for a zone team like Florida), and then Kentucky in the last game of the year. The RPI loves road wins, especially against good teams. Let’s get one tonight.

Ashton Cobb, UK’s incumbent senior strong safety is facing trial today for past stalking and terroristic threatening charges. The big news so far is that he has plead guilty to the third-degree terroristic threatening charges. All other charges were merged into that one, aka dropped. He is penalized to 12 months – 2 years of adult supervision probation accompanied by anger management classes.

So no sugarcoating this one, the remaining matter is what is to come of his football future here at Kentucky. A third-degree conviction is RELATIVELY minor so most should proceed as normal. But, we will see.

Most closest to the young man say he is not that type of individual, not really capable of the types of threats he apparently made to his ex-girlfriend. We all make mistakes no matter what “kind” of person we are. The task at hand now is learning the lesson and rebuilding your character. Rich has a histroy of allowing a second chance, a good character quality IMO, but his hands may be tied with the probationary period. Again, we’ll have to wait and see.

Stay tuned to kykernel.com and wlex18.com for further coverage.

I rarely venture outside of our site here and aseaofblue.com as far as opinion-sources go for UK sports, mostly because of my particular taste in blending style and professionalism, but I make about a bi-weekly roundup of the ones I’m aware of just to check the goings-on. Today I caught a whiff of this:

Kentuckysportsradio.com cat fight

And while this is probably old news to most of you, I was appalled, no, amused, no, let’s go with confused when I stumbled upon the content of that link. I had to take a step back and look at the grand scheme of it all. Hopefully that’s what you’re doing right now. So, hopefully, you’ve got a feel for where I’m going with this.

How hilarious is it that the author of the little thing says that his (Maggard’s) ”cronies” would probably be there to defend themselves and - presto! Look who shows up to turn a man to a prophet. It’s pitiful, nearly painful to watch. But then I think, it’s not just him. Why was such a “bracket,” or whatever, needed to begin with? What end-purpose does it serve? Sounds to me like the “authors” have a bit of insecurity themselves. But beyond that there are hundreds (or millions depending on whom you poll) of joe’s there just piling up the page with attention-poop they’ve been storing up for days, weeks, and months. It’s like, you know how when you’ve gotta deuce it up real bad but you’re in a spot where it just wouldn’t be proper and you hold it in to the point where it goes right back up inside? Then it recycles through the system it once emerged from and re-festers itself? And when it finally has a chance to break loose it smells exponentially worse than your normal stench? Yeah. Well by the end of the day, you’ve got a pretty stinky soup of attention poop. Message boards are a lot similar, it’s just that it’s more a group of unorganized militia poopshooters as opposed to a segregated battlefield of, say, Generals, Majors, and Captain poopshooters to go along with the numerous infantry poopers and long-range crap-tossers. Every man wants to make a name for themselves in a world where masculinity runs supreme. The good thing about the sportstalk world is that no one is expected to be physically imposing, just intellectually.

There are simply too many people trying to be a source, or a leader, or what it really boils down to: a somebody. Attention-whores. I’ll admit it: I’d love for everyone to know my name and where to find my “voice.” But I’d prefer it be because I’m just a good writer, have an agreeable opinion, or a likable disposition rather than because I’m skilled at baiting people, lucky-guessing with rumors, designing my image, or using my position to start a self-serving agenda. I don’t like to point fingers, but there is a lot of that going on in this little battle of … stuff. Look, I’m here to write ABOUT UK sports and anything related to that theme. I’m not USING UK and its ridiculously massive fan following and history as a catapult to fame and glory. I’m not going to USE the school I love and respect to serve myself. And I WILL NOT support anyone who does. I write out of passion for the game (football and basketball), the league (NCAA), and most of all the school that represents most that is enjoyable in this state. That is where it ends. If you (Marc Maggard, Matt Jones, whoever else that has emerged to fit the profile, and all who are riding their coattails) fail to see what you are doing differently, then I pity you with force.

Don’t forget that if you lie, cheat, and steal to gain support; that support will lie, cheat, and steal to take your place when the time is right. If you use people enough, you will get exposed. If you throw enough people to the curb, you’ll form a mob too infuriated to control. Please, stop taking yourselves SO seriously, jump off your high horses, and respect the university that’s allowed you a brief stint of popularity. Players themselves are told so very often that “it’s not about you” and “it’s the name on the front of the jersey that matters.” Players! And here I am talking about YOU! Who are you? I digress. Now that I am drained of applicable cliches on the matter, I’m losing my will to be further offended. I believe you guys have something, maybe a lot, of substance to contribute to this business of reporting and following sports teams. But you’re letting your head get in the way or your ability. And in the process you’re degrading the school that you are attempting to represent.

The prevailing trend is that legitimate news sources are dying out, and are being replaced by a new breed of bloggers, web site hosts, and message board and youtube superstars. As this trend continues to intensify, such things as accuracy, cohesion, and professionalism is going by the wayside. These things are great for spreading opinion and excitement (I’m obviously into it myself), but it’s usefulness in the world of journalism remains raw. ANYONE can do the things we are doing. It takes real ability to write a daily column, run a beat, or dish out a grounbreaking feature story. I don’t think I’m ready to throw away my sports page and turn off my radio just yet. 

Now, I am yet a youngin’, but I do remember a time when all that mattered was if the Cats won or lost. It was a time when Cawood Ledford’s was the only voice that proved important and the opposing team represented our only enemy. We were the pinnacle, envied and admired. We tried to be like no one, and had no need to fluff our image because we were just better and that was to be understood. We called it the Glory Road and we governed its passage.

Today, wins and losses just seem like another lump of stats to be prodded and picked over. The voice of Tom Leach is clouded by a dense fog of opinion and babble. Our enemies have grown far beyond the basketball court or the football field. We are struggling to stay atop the very mountain we’ve built and have lost that air of respect we once breathed. We try so hard to fit in and therefore we do. The glory days are gone folks; flushed furiously down a nasty, wretched attention-toilet.

Kenny, Seth, and whomever chooses to read my words: if I ever take a turn toward this type of senseless, sightless, inferiority driven me-machine, please rise up and crack me upside the dome with no reserve whatsoever. Because that is precisely what I would deserve from Brooks, Barnhart, Gillispie, and every member of the UKAA fraternity and alumni. It’s about time that we, the SUPPORTING cast, do our part: support. How about we all take a moment to remove ourselves and begin the process of rebuilding that pinnacle?

Now I’ll shut up and listen.

The thing that sucked the most about not having power during the first South Carolina was that I didn’t have an outlet to make jokes about their mascot – well, that and being solely responsible for the outcome of that game by not being able to watch it from my home. Here are some classic Cocks from the last few years that really grind my gears.

BJ MCKIE, LARRY DAVIS & MELVIN WATSON

These guys are pretty much interchangeable in my book. They popularized the three-guard attack that every coach and their brother tried to emulate in the late 90s. McKie was the worst. He’s the school’s all-time leading scorer and I think all of his points came in the nine games he played against Kentucky. Davis transferred from North Carolina and brought that smug Chapel Hill A-hole swagger with him. Watson was probably the least hated of the three, but he was the guy who hit all the clutch shots, so it isn’t as if I like him that much either. I was there in 1997 when those three guys went off and ended a 33-year Senior Day win streak. Of course, this group of Cocks also orchestrated one of only four 2-15 upsets in Tournament history when Coppin State pretty much owned them later that year. Then, the very next year, they lost in a 3-14 matchup when John Beilein and Richmond beat them.

CHUCK EIDSON

Lots of teams have “Token White Guy,” but rarely is “Token White Guy” the best player on the team like Chuck Eidson was at South Carolina for approximately 172,953,082 years. He was a sharpshooter, made smart passes and played passing lanes better than your average “Token White Guy.” I think he led the league in steals a couple times. As is usually the case with these lists, Eidson seemed to have his best games against ball-line defense. Chuck is currently playing in Lithuania with former teammate Marijonas Petravicius, who just barely missed the cut on this piece. I couldn’t stand that guy either.

TARENCE KINSEY

Kinsey shouldn’t make this list because of the disparaging remarks he made about the Louisville Cardinals after SC destroyed them in the NIT a few years ago. I think he compared them to a women’s team or something, which was tremendous. He plays spot minutes for the Cleveland Cavaliers now, so he stands a decent chance of winning a ring this year, and he can thank Kentucky for that. I think Kinsey made his way to the league by showing the Memphis Grizzlies a highlight reel of him hitting contested shots against Kentucky.

CARLOS POWELL

Take everything I said about Kinsey and repeat it, except for the NBA stuff. Carlos isn’t in the league yet, but he’s probably on his way, as he plays for the Dakota Wizards of the D-League. Powell was one of those guys who stepped up his game so much against the Big Blue that I think he’d shoot higher than 50% on 75-foot shots. I know he made at least one 40-footer in Rupp, which just makes me sick.

RENALDO BALKMAN

Sorry, wrong picture. Curse you, Google!

You might know him as “That Guy who Looks like the Shoe Bomber,” or “That Guy who the Knicks Picked in the First Round and Almost Caused Madison Square Garden to Implode.” That’s good enough for me. If I weren’t a Knicks fan, Balkman wouldn’t be on this list. And for the record, I liked Balkman in New York – just not as the 20th overall pick in the draft, especially when Rajon Rondo, Jordan Farmar, Daniel Gibson, Paul Millsap and Leon Powe went later. Sorry, Renaldo, them’s the breaks, and I hope Denver appreciates what you bring to the table.

It took me 30 minutes to find those pics and half of them don’t work? Screw that. You people should know who these guys are. They all played in the last 10 or so years. I’m not going back to find more.

Doesn’t it feel good to have swept Tennessee this year? That’s the first sweep of the Volunteers since 2005 and the only time a team has swept Bruce Pearl during his tenure at Tennessee.

To win yesterday’s game the way this team did, and to play that well with Jodie Meeks having a poor shooting night was huge. Hopefully, it will go a long way in building the character of this team down the brutal stretch run. It was a total team performance and I might even go so far as to say it was the most complete performance of the season.

It started with defense. Let me go ahead and get this out of the way: Tennessee is easy to defend, possibly even easier than Kentucky. They are not a good shooting team, and more importantly, they cannot execute in a halfcourt set. That said, one thing they do well is take it to the rack. Kentucky has struggled against penetration all year long, so how did they stop Tennessee? They packed all five guys inside and dared Tennessee to shoot the three, and the Vols happily obliged, much to their own chagrin. I’m sure Billy Gillispie will say on his call-in show tomorrow that the defense he implemented was not a zone. If you want to get technical, none of the zone defense I know of resembled what they used against Tennessee. So let me just say that the defense exhibited zone tendencies. They didn’t give UT anything inside except from the offensive glass. Defensive rebounding has become the new hot button issue for this team, but it was particularly bad yesterday, and for several reasons. Tennessee got an insane amount of offensive boards during the last six minutes of the first half, which coincided with Patrick Patterson picking up his second foul (on a terrible charge call by the incomparable Tony Greene). Also, defenses that exhibit zone tendencies are already prone to giving up offensive rebounds, and when your team already struggles in that department, it’s going to look really bad when implementing that kind of defense. But rebounds aside, the defense did its job yesterday. It thoroughly frustrated Tennessee and took away any kind of attempts to either take it to the rack or feed it to the post.

If there were ever any 40-minute period of proof that Kentucky got the right highly touted in-state recruit, it was yesterday, and I thought Scotty Hopson played a pretty good game. It’s just that yesterday was the prime example of the consummate Hopson game vs. the consummate Darius Miller game. Hopson scored 14 points, but it took 14 shots for him to get it done. He also had zero rebounds or assists. Miller scored a career high 17 points on 6-6 shooting, grabbed three rebounds and dished out a team high six assists. I remember several years ago when a freshman named Keith Bogans had his coming out party against Tennessee in a must-win home game. Bogans became the school’s #4 all-time leading scorer. Hopefully Miller will build on this and have a Bogans-type career. The one thing that the box score won’t tell you is that when Darius was in there, he played a lot of power forward, which, against Tennessee, means he had to guard Tyler Smith. Smith only had one bucket yesterday, and that one was on a tip jam. Miller kept Smith from getting into the lane all day long.

Wasn’t it nice to have Patrick Patterson back? It was the first time in a long time that Patrick played without some kind of protective splint on his finger, and the difference was clear. All those shots he had been missing in the games before the ankle injury all started to go down, just like old times. Gus Johnson talked a lot about the “Meeks Effect,” how the presence of Meeks on the floor opens things up for his teammates. Well, when Patterson is in the lineup and healthy, the “Patterson Effect” is far more significant than the Meeks Effect. He commands a double team every time he touches it down low.

Sorry about the unsatisfactory professionalism, but I couldn’t let that one slide. The point I was trying to make was that when Patterson is on, Kentucky moves the ball very well, and when guys are hitting like they were yesterday, this team is awfully dangerous.

I ripped Gillispie a new one after the Vanderbilt game because I was convinced that this team was SOL and Tennessee would name the score against them. I even came up with a timetable for Gillispie, where I gave him the next two years to right the ship (because he deserves to coach Dominique Ferguson – kid’s going to be a superstar), and if there were no results, cut ties and try again. I never wanted Gillispie gone, and I still don’t. In fact, I find the notion to be asinine because of recruiting. Do you want Jon Hood to reopen his recruitment? What about Daniel Orton and Dominique Ferguson? They’d back out if a change were made right now. To sum up, I was extremely angry. With all that in mind, I thought Gillispie had a brilliant gameplan yesterday. I guess Bruce Pearl is just what the doctor ordered. Besides the great defensive strategy, I also liked how he got the guys to adjust when Tennessee switched up to a box & 1 to contain Meeks, running the offense through Miller and having him make the plays because he’s such a good passer. Mike Porter played well, but when Tennessee amped up their pressure, he had a tougher time running the offense, so Gillispie switched to Liggins in the second half when UT looked like they were about to make a run and the sub paid off.

Now it’s time for South Carolina. They have to be running out of these close wins, right? They’re about to meet a quota.

Remember, nothing sucks like a big orange. Thanks for reading.

I think Tennessee’s biggest problem is the blazer.

Mike Porter has played well. His shot is off, but he’s leading the team and making things happen.

Darius Miller > Scotty Hopson. Scotty Hopson’s minutes > Darius Miller’s minutes.

It seems like in the time off, Patrick has had an opportunity to grow accustomed to his finger thing.

Who’s boxing out JP Prince? Anyways, outside of offensive rebounding I still struggle to see what Ramon has been contributing this season.

Perry has decided to show up now that Patrick is back. Where was he when Pat was out?

It looks like all that time on the pine this season has given AJ a chance to refine that jumper. It’s looking good coming off a career high last time out. Maybe he won’t be the transfer we know is coming.

Since when did Jodie need two breathers in the first half? Granted, the cats have been nursing a double-digit lead. But at 4 minutes or so to play, a line up is left of pure second teamers and UT is allowed to regain confidence against Kentucky’s sloppy play. Why? Billy’s substitution patterns remain unclear to anyone but himself.

Darius is a better defender and rebounder than Ramon. What it is BG?

I’ma go with this as my #1 Logic Bust as I attack the practice of ranking conferences, though I didn’t have the foresight to properly label it. Forgive? Thanks.

Logic Bust #2: The Replacements

 -Guy on the right… no logic

Prevailing Philosophy: player X will be graduating this year, however we shouldn’t skip a beat because player Y is coming in with comparable size and skill set and we shouldn’t skip a beat.

Specifics: Patterson is a first-round projection (NBADraftDepot.com currently lists him as the 14th pick) and therefore will probably go.  But for the Cats left behind, it’s more important that Jodie comes back because there is less to replace his type of talent. With the Pilgrim (that “the” there just fits, I think) suiting up and D. Orton joining the team next year, we’re good to go down low!

Education: Patterson’s gone. Set your panic alarms early while you still have time to get some good rest in. With what’s become a first-round lock (all major draft experts have Beans at mid-first round) for Pat, his days in Lex Vegas are numbered. First-day money is simply a lump sum that no mortal should waste a year of (go on and toss things, I’m quick like a cat). On the football side, Trevard Lindley had a similar hand dealt, has taken a huge risk in returning, and logically made the wrong decision based on the cost-benefit analysis (please lower the AK). Nobody would argue in that case that a returning Paul Warford and a hypothetical 5-star CB would be the answer and all roads still lead to BCS. Why? Because most football fans still hold tight to there sanity when not plastered, at least in this state. But when it comes to basketball, UK fans’ hearts and nuts are bigger than their brains and its not even close. There is no “replacing” the leadership and stability of a Patrick Patterson in the span of an off-season. It just isn’t going to, and doesn’t, occur.

Support: If Patrick Patterson himself reincarnated and was joining the team again next year from high school, that still wouldn’t be the same. How is Matthew Pilgrim, completely unproven with 3 shots on a youtube vid to boast and 300 people claiming they saw the light when he corralled 50 rebounds in a pickup game last summer, the answer? Granted, he’s grown 4 feet since high school where he really dominated everyone from positions 2-5 and even played injured half of both his junior and senior seasons. I’m sure Matt has some unseen talent, minus the gaze of 50 Hampton fans, but it’s unPROVEN talent. He could be the next Pat Ewing for all Jimmy Dykes knows, but we don’t know. Daniel Orton is a different story all together. He has proven himself, albeit on the high school level, against varying competition and in the mass public eye. What we have learned is that his hands glisten with the glassy shards of a gazillion Gods. However,he’s run a grand total of zero set plays in Billy G’s offensive schemes (the existence of which are not part of this discussion), and has never taken on the task of defending a PROVEN D-1 post man while trying to guard the help-side against a PROVEN D-1 slasher… all at the same time. Now, I would bet my sister’s house that Daniel will turn into one of the better big men to grace the college game in a good long while, but every freshman is a freshman. And Daniel Orton will be trying to emerge from one of the more trying years I’ve heard of. Give the kid a break and temper the enthusiasm a bit. He’s got much more to figure out right now than how to make Patterson’s freshman year look like white rice.

Final Blast: Those that make the cheery argument of the Orton-Pilgrim Heirs Obvious love to throw in a Perry Stevenson or a Josh Harrellson just for good measure. But if anything, those two have shown a step backwards rather than forwards throughout the season. They, too, have much to PROVE before they can try their hands in the frontcourt of the future. While Patrick Patterson is getting used to plush, NBA-logo lawn chairs next year, Kentucky will be missing him dearly. There’s much more to basketball than height and weight. Ask Chucky Hayes. And it’s those things that both Pat and Chuck possess which make them special players. It’s not a profile we’re trying to replace here, it’s a person. That person was absent when AJ Stewart grew weak at the knees trying to defend another AJ. That person just wasn’t there when Perry Stevenson couldn’t find the confidence to match Vandy’s foreign frontcourt. It is precisely that person who wouldn’t have sat the pine after three minutes of play for a lackluster early rebounding effort, a la Josh Harrellson.

And I suppose you’ll see, once again, what Kentucky has been missing in that person today against Tennessee.

To take the place of the “Hated Players” piece (since I already did one for Tennessee), here are some jokes I’ve collected about that great state and university. If you are Ron Mercer or any other Big Blue Tennessee import, these are not about you.

Most of these come from the fine people at Gator Country, who might actually hate Tennessee more than any of us. If you don’t like that some of the jokes have a pro-Florida slant (because Florida sucks too), you’re missing the point. Warning: A few of these jokes really suck, and you could easily swing them around at any southern state. Tennessee just happens to be the opponent on the schedule.

Q: What is the difference between a porcupine and Neyland Stadium?

A: A porcupine has 108,000 pricks on the OUTSIDE.

I heard Phil Fulmer had his QBs,RBs,and WRs all working in the local bakery during the summer, because he wanted them to get used to turnovers.

Q: What did the Knoxville City Council do to slow the birth rate down in Knoxville?

A: They outlawed family reunions.

There were 2 death row inmates awaiting execution in a Tennessee prison. One was a UT fan and the other was a Georgia Bulldog fan. On the day they were to meet their Maker the Warden came to ask for their last requests. He asked the Tennessee fan first: “You can have one final request; what will it be?” The UT fan replied, “I wanna hear Rocky Top one more time!” The Warden says “Alright, that’ll be fine.” The Warden then looks to the Georgia fan and says ” You too can have one final request; what will it be?” The UGA fan looked at the Warden and said: “Kill me first!!”

A man walks into a store and says, “I would like a orange hat, orange pants, orange sweater, and white shoes.” The clerk says, “are you a Vol fan?” “Yes replies the man, “How did you guess—by the color combination?” “No,” answers the clerk, because this is a hardware store.

Q: Why is Tennessee changing their mascot to the possum?

A: Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

Q: Where was OJ headed in his white Bronco?

A: To Tennessee. He knew the police would never look for a Heisman winner there.

Q: Why did the Tennessee grad get fired from the M&M factory?

A: He was throwing away too many W’s.

Q: Hear Phil Fulmer was only dressing 15 players for the ciTrUs Bowl?

A: Heard the rest could dress themselves.

Q: What do you get if you cross a Tennessee Football player with a Georgia Cheerleader?

A: Nothing! There is some things even a Tennessee player won’t do.

Tennessee is the only state where road salt is a seasoning.

Tennessee Legislature just passed a new bill. If you divorce your wife, she’s still your sister.

Q: What do eggs and UT have in common?
A: They both get beat in a bowl.

One day a teacher asked her class, “How many of you like the Vols?” All of the class raised their hands except for one little girl. The teacher asked, “If you don’t like the Vols, whom do you like?” The little girl said, “I like the Commodores!” The teacher then asked her why she liked the Commodores. The girl replied, “My Mommy is a Commodore and my Daddy is a Commodore so that makes me a Commodore!” The teacher then asked,” Well, if your Mommy was a moron and your Daddy was a moron what would that make you?” The little girl said,” That would make me a Vol!”

Two UT football players were hootin’ and hollerin’ while partying on campus when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them two months. “Two months?!” exclaimed the bartender. The UT player proudly replied, “Yeah, the box said 4 – 6 years!”

A Vol football player was almost killed today in a tragic horse back riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse just in time.

A little boy and his mother were walking through a Knoxville cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read: “Here lies an UT graduate and a good man.” The little boy asked his mother, “Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?”

Coaches Meyer and Phil Fulmer are walking down the beach talking about the rivalry. As they are walking, Urban trips over something in the sand. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a genie’s lamp. “Who disturbs me?” asked the genie. “You will each get one wish,” said the genie. Phil offers to go first. “I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Tennessee so that none of those stupid Floridians can ever get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!” The genie grants the wish to Fulmer and his is instantly whisked away to his new paradise. The genie now tells Urban he’ll grant him one wish. Urban says, “Fill it up with water.”

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, “Wanna hear a good Tennessee joke?”

The guy next to him replies, “Well before you tell that joke, you should know something. I’m 6′ tall, 200 lbs., and I am a UT grad. The guy sitting next to me is 6′ 2″ tall, weighs 225, and he’s a UT grad. And the fella next to him is 6′ 5″ tall, weighs 250, and he’s a UT grad. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?”

The first guy says, “No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”

Three men were working together on a high rise construction site. One Gator fan, a Longhorn fan, and a Vols fan. One day they sat down and opened their lunchboxes. The Gator fan looks down and sees a Peanut Butter & Jelly sandwich and says, “Man I’m sick of PB&J.. every day it’s PB&J, if I get another PB&J tomorrow, I’m going to jump off this building”! Next, the Longhorn fan opens his lunch, looks down and sees an egg salad sandwich and says, “Man I’m sick of egg salad.. every day it’s egg salad, if I get another egg salad sandwich tomorrow, I’m going to jump off this building”! Finally, the Vol fan opens his lunch, looks down and sees a tuna sandwich and says, “Man I’m sick of tuna.. every day it’s tuna, if I get another tuna sandwich tomorrow, I’m going to jump off this building”! The next day the three men sit down for lunch. First, the Gator fan opens his lunch, to his delight he finds a BLT sandwich, “I guess I don’t have to jump” he says. Next, the Longhorn fan opens his lunch and finds a delicious BBQ pork sandwich, “My favorite” he declares! Finally, the Vol fan opens his lunch and finds a tuna sandwich, so he tosses his lunch up in the air and plunges down 50 stories. The Gator fan turns to the Longhorn fan, shakes his head, and says “It’s a pity, he makes his own lunch”.

Amazingly, some of the jokes on the sites I looked at were even worse than the worst of these. If you have your own, feel free to leave them in the comments section.